Warning: this is going to be a very girlish flood of thoughts, cause i want to write em down and I don't mind if dA-people see them. Plus hannah. Cause i tell her all things anyway :3

So, recently I've been feeling pretty down on myself. I've been feeling that way since like november of last year. I just haven't known where I wanted to go with my life, I was doing awful in school because the stress of not knowing what i want to do and the sheer amount of it all not only made it more difficult to do things, but just the difficulty alone of the work I had to do made me unable. And being unable to do my work simply stressed me out more, making it harder and harder for me to do anything until I just spent my days sleeping and not caring about anyone or anything. I haven't felt that feeling in a long time that I was really worth something. I've even had doubts recently about my religion, and I was starting to doubt whether God is really there watching me. I thought, if he was really real, then he wouldn't put me through this. If I ever tried to mention something like that to my mother, she would force me into a church the nearest sunday she could, but that didn't help me realize the power of God better.

Basically what I am trying to say, is that I was lost. For that period of my life (mostly all of college) I have been lost. My Little Pony helped a lot, because the moment I began to draw fanart of it, I realized how lovely the fans are, and how wonderful the fanbase really is. But it wasn't everything I needed to feel myself again. Yes, it helped, because the lessons made me realize things about myself, but it only made me realize how insecure and how worthless I thought I was.

But upon starting summer school, I've found something new. I don't usually tend to point out one particular person for making me who I am, or influencing me substantially because I don't want to rely on people too much--in case they aren't true. Someone helped me realize who I used to be, how happy I used to be, and how full I used to feel without feeling dejected and lost because no one would pay attention to me. He made me realize that people don't ignore you because of how worthless you are, or how much you amount to nothing, but they ignore you because you let yourself be ignored. I was hurting myself, and he made me realize I didn't have to do that anymore.

First, let me explain something about school: i was a Pre-vet majour, but due to my demeanor, I never tried to succeed at anything, and therefore didn't do well at all in college my first and second semester (I'm on academic probation). So I changed my majour to psychology for the summer term. And the summer terms are very short--only five weeks long. So everything is very condensed to take what should have been a 15-week course and shave it down to five. So technically, I've already done three weeks' worth of work in four days. (I actually should be reading right now xD)

But anyway, back to the matter. I met him in my English class. I sat down in an empty seat toward the front, and he was already sitting relatively close by. Then this weird guy named Chris came in and introduced himself to me, and asked if he could sit next to me. And I said okay. He was weird. He smells bad and unfortunately he is in my English project group. When we got in groups for the project, we just became partners with whoever we were sitting beside. I was sitting beside Chris (ugh), this girl named Sam, and him. His name is Scott. We didn't talk much together the first couple days of classes, but we sat next to each other on chance once, and I asked what his bracelet meant. It had an arrow pointing down, a cross, a rainbow, an arrow pointing up, and another pointing down. He said, "The arrow pointing down is for Jesus coming to earth. The cross is for when he died. The rainbow is for when he was resurrected. The arrow pointing up is how he rose to heaven, and the arrow pointing down means he will come again."

See, it's not really that strange, but for me, I hardly meet any christians anymore. I just... don't really see them. So I was interested by this boy. We've talked a lot since then, and I found we have many things in common. It's early to say, but I think I have a crush on him... and more than that, he told me several things about God that I had forgotten about. He told me how wonderful He is, and how He changes lives. I had forgotten about all the graces of God, so hearing them from a 21-year old man opened my eyes. To see peers also relishing in the power of God made me realize that there was no reason for me to be unhappy. I didn't have to base my happiness on what other people thought of me, anymore. For the first time in around a year, I feel free.

I've been doing a lot better in school, too. I'm actually doing quite well, considering it's been four days. And I think it is thanks to him. There are times when you shouldn't rely on other people for help and just keep to yourself. But a time like this, I think, it's okay to have your eyes opened by someone else...

And that's basically it. :3 The majour point is I think I might like him. Which might be bad, considering I'm not very good with my feelings xD Oh well~ >///<